In times of tragedy, we look to teachers for guidance and hope. I can think of no better teacher than Fred McFeely Rogers for his gentle wisdom on children, humility, grief, and the specialness of every person.
The barriers in place before a girl who decides she does not want to become a mom are formidable. First of all, such a stance inevitably is a rejection of one’s own mother, to some degree. Coming to terms with the fact that one does not want to be a mom, like one’s mom, can be a difficult psychological maneuver — particularly since the weight of cultural pressures are strongly against this choice. And once a girl or woman decides that she prefers not to have children, she must defend herself over and over and over again. I can say from lifelong experience that no one believes a girl who claims not to want to be a mom. It’s very frustrating when perfect strangers presume to know one’s innermost desires without even asking! As a child, I recall adults asking my brother what he wanted to be when he grew up, listening to him sagely, then turning to me and flatly declaring, “I know what you want to be: a MOMMY!” And when I denied this desire, I have always been told, with a patronizing “what-a-silly-girl!” smile, “Oh, you’ll change your mind!” I was told I would change my mind when I grew up; then I was told I would change my mind when I met the right man; then, that I would change my mind when I settled down; that I would change my mind overnight when my “biological clock” suddenly started ticking; that I would change my mind when my friends had babies; even that I would change my mind after I had tenure. When confident assertions of my hidden maternal nature proved inadequate, the appeals to conscience began. I was told that I must have children for the sake of my future old age, for the sake of the human race, for the sake of perpetuating progressive values, for the sake of passing on my own intelligent genes (this last from my mom).
Indeed, for girls the mom imperative is the central element of the broader heteronormative expectations of our culture. The authorized script for girls, as they mature into women, is that their best achievements in life inevitably will lie in the familial and domestic spheres. We are told over and over again by the Self-Appointed Obligatory Maternity Propaganda Brigade (SAOMPB) that, whatever else a woman may accomplish, her truest fulfillment derives from bearing and nurturing children. Such statements are incredibly demeaning: they denigrate any accomplishments a woman may value aside from reproduction, and restrict women’s sphere of meaningful activity to a purely biological realm. Interestingly, segments of the culture that normally exist in tension with one another, happily collude in the gauzy idealization of maternity. The Christian right presents motherhood as women’s divinely-ordained role, while the spiritual left exalts it in equally essentialist, earth-mother-goddess-creatrix terms. Maternity is even more important than heterosexual romance, in our prevailing narrative of female self-worth: how many times have we read and heard that love for one’s children is superior to, and stronger than, romantic love for one’s partner?* That you will never really understand love until you hold your own child in your arms?** That looking into your child’s eyes, or smile, is the most transcendent and fulfilling experience a woman can have? That pregnancy and childbirth is nothing less than a miracle — i.e., something that cannot be matched by any other endeavor, no matter how praiseworthy, valuable, or difficult of attainment.
I don’t deny that these things are true for many women. Just don’t assume they hold true for us all, and please do not condescend to tell me that they are true for me. Moreover, don’t assume that I’m selfish, don’t assume that I hate kids, don’t assume that I hate parents, and don’t assume that I’m bitter and pitifully unfulfilled. I just don’t want kids of my own — that’s it! I’m happy and “normal” in every other way.
So, here is my lesson for girls. I would like to say to them the words that no one has ever said to me, even once: You don’t have to be a mom. You have value beyond your womb. You can define yourself in any way you like, through a variety of endeavors and goals and achievements. And if you do choose to be a mom, you can be other things at the same time. Be yourself first.
Autopilot is useful for nautical or flight navigation, not life. Take notice, girls!
—happy drummergirl
A much-needed retort to that tired argument.
—happy drummergirl
Here’s another one that boils my buttons.
Two entries from a post on one of my favorite Childfree blogs, “Like It Is”:
Childfree Aussie:
My rant…. Ever notice how the childed are so quick to criticize because “Our kids will be supporting you in your old age by paying for your pension” but fail to see the hypocrisy in that statement? They’re quite happy to use the taxes of the childfree in the form of all the entitlements they can claim from the government simply because they’re parents!
Lisa:
Not only that – but have they failed to notice that while they are spending every cent they earn on new toys and kids’ shoes, WE are putting that money to good use through investments and savings – which will support us in our old age.
I won’t be relying on any government pension in my old age – I’ll have enough of my own money saved up – because I actually think about my future instead of just letting it happen!
———————
Thank you.
—happy drummergirl
Absolutely!
Yet another article supports the fact that choosing to remain childfree incites no regrets.
“Many voluntarily child-free couples are loath to sacrifice a rewarding, creative, and often spontaneous lifestyle that includes travel, entertainment, sports, and hobbies. In short, they cherish their unfettered freedom. Couples also mention the peace, quiet, and order of a child-free home. Minimizing stress is yet another common factor many child-free couples consider when making their choice.”
“Contrary to the negative stereotypes parents like to hurl around about the childfree, we do not live in a bubble where we exist only for ourselves.
Only in our dreams are we lying around in bed all day, being fed bon-bons and brought tropical drinks by a cabana boy. We have jobs, and mortgages and bills to pay and most of us are not rolling in dough.
It is not all about me, me, me. We are spouses. We are significant others. We are siblings. We are sons and daughters. We are grandchildren. We are friends. We are aunts and uncles. We are companions to animals. We are volunteers in our communities. We are dedicated employees and many of us are teachers, firefighters, EMTs, doctors, therapists and other caring professionals.
There are many roles in life that allow a person to express love, caring and selflessness and being a parent isn’t the only role in life that makes that possible.”
—From Childfreedom: The Myth that Must DIE
From The Story About the Baby, Epilogue.
“It’s a gruesome situation. And that’s even without the occasional childfree wanker who’ll gloat at you.”
My parents seem to have been born to be a mom and dad. I was planned, wanted, and had all the love and care a baby could ever hope for. It was the late 1960s. Everybody, it seemed, was getting married and having children. It’s “what everyone did.”
For our own parents, adding to the family was a phase that occurred relatively early in the marriage. Sometimes, Junior popped into the picture barely 9 months following “I Do.” Dad usually worked outside the home. Mom’s world WAS the home.
One income was not only doable, but it was the norm. Little Billy or Annie simply rounded out the portrait of domesticity.
Fast forward to my own adulthood. By the time DH and I were married, kids weren’t even on the horizon because at the time, we had relatively new jobs, lived in an apartment, had just paid for our wedding and start-up, and had a car payment. Simply, we could not afford a child.
As the years rolled by, life became more complicated: work was all-consuming (DH also started a new career), we joined organizations that entailed frequent participation and we had friends and a social life. We bought a townhouse and then traded up a couple of times to a nice single-family home.
At some point, we had “the jobs, the house, the health insurance and blue ribbon schools” and it seemed all systems were go.
DH and I decided to dump the BC, and let the cards fall where they might. Pregnancy never happened. We opted against extreme measures because we by that time had achieved such a full and content life that we didn’t need to “change” or add to it. We were already complete.
Frankly, we weren’t all that broken-up about it. DH seemed to crave getting a Dachshund far more than he ever did a baby anyway. The stresses of parenthood didn’t look like something we would want to bring into our already busy life as a family of two.
I sometimes wonder how things might have been for us as that ’60s couple.
As 1990s-and-beyond adults, we face far more choices than our parents ever did. We had more of a “window” during which to plan and contemplate life with and without children. And in this day and age, the idea of raising a family on one income is just laughable (at least in our geographical area).
Perhaps DH and I might have just gone on and taken the baby route had we been adults back then. Maybe not. While I’m happy with a life without kids, it’s important to recognize that different times present different choices, and that might have been a significant factor for us. We also have had a lot more time to develop our interests, and we’re just not inclined to alter the life we’ve cultivated so radically.
It’s also much more difficult to be a parent now due to changes in laws and society’s expectations, not to mention economics and the dangerous nature of modern existence (school shootings, child abduction, etc.) and pollution. The “job” appears even less attractive under those circumstances.
And what is it with all this STUFF parents “need” to buy for their kids, whether they have to (forever-changing car seats) or want to (endless accessories, needed or not).
Regardless of the times, it is obvious that parenting has always been über demanding.
Just ask “the Stones.”
For those of us who are not moms, we take the time to recognize our own mothers. I’ll miss my mom forever and can’t imagine the love she must have felt for me. Thank you Mom, and to all my friends who are doing a wonderful job of it, Happy Mother’s Day.
Comment by amylecomte, “All Joy and No Fun: Why Parents Hate Parenting”.
Bravo to this commenter. I, too, prefer order, peace and a sense of purpose that does not have to involve bringing another life into the world. To those who do, and are good at it, kudos.
—happy drummergirl
Now this is a cool idea.
Another reason to go out for a nice martini with my sweetie.
The more I read these types of raw and distressed comments, the more convinced I am that we made the right choice.
I feel very sad for those who caved to societal pressure…and lived to regret it.
—happy drummergirl
This highlights both sides of the equation.
First, BRAVO to dinklife.com for championing the childfree choice. I do agree with the piece on many elements. However, one point remains conspicuously absent from the “sensible” category—childfree people may very well be “contributing to society.”
This includes those who are volunteering, donating, participating, and kicking in to many things they would not be able to with the responsibility of children.
Without the financial, time and emotional demands of raising kids, DH and I are involved with many things that “contribute to society.” DH is a volunteer firefighter and a member of charitable organizations.
I have taught Sunday school and run a children’s choir, taught preschool, am a nursing home volunteer and donate blood every chance I am able. We regularly donate to causes that are dear to our hearts and have always been involved with our church.
Our tax dollars have also been gleaned for child-centered benefit for over 20 years now. Sure, we might wish to devote that money to other means, but this is how it is. That is yet another form of “contribution to society.”
How about those who foster and nurture animals? What about the teachers, aides, and others who care for other people’s kids but don’t have any of their own? Might be a correlation there.
While some people might consider our “choice” selfish, they are ignoring the bigger picture. There are societal detractors among both groups.
Happily drumming through life... with some thoughts along the way.
